I just have to. I have to write about this. I don’t care anymore if this makes me look bad.
I didn’t think I was going to get hurt, putting myself out there and showing my true colors. So sure I was that I was more than enough. I guess I was wrong to jump into conclusions and think that that particular guy, and guys in general, would want to be my friend, first and foremost. I was wrong to think that once it got a little romantically/sexually complicated, it would be okay to revert back to friend-status.
I don’t have enough guy friends. Right now, I struggle with even coming up with at least 3. My girl friend pulled me aside earlier this week at a party and told me that she wanted to me to hang out with her guy friends in hopes that I would finally find out what it would be like to have guy friends that had no ulterior motives and genuinely wanted my company. My heart sank, of course. This was the most true and devastating thing I had heard in a while.
I was already comfortable with the fact that it’s hard for me to make genuine friends, especially those of the opposite sex. I don’t know why, that’s just how it’s always been. Maybe it’s a bad thing, I honestly wouldn’t know any better. But to hear that, those words making my feelings seem all the more real, just crushed me. I sunk into a sort of depression the past few days, thinking of why and what was wrong with everyone when it finally struck me that I was the problem.
Maybe I’m too intimidating and intense. Maybe I give too little and then too much. Maybe I’m not fair and I expect the world.
Regardless of all that might be wrong, I know one thing: I just want to get something right. I don’t need boyfriends, bestfriends, lovers, etc. I just need genuine people in my life that I know I could count on and who wouldn’t just leave me when they got what they wanted. (Which is what always fucking happens.) I’m so tired of being left like this, confused and alone, wondering what happened and where they went, what I might’ve done wrong and what I could’ve done instead. I shouldn’t have to feel like this because I deserve better.
Admittedly, I don’t know if I do deserve better. It’s so easy for me to fall into the trap of thinking that this is all there is and I don’t deserve shit. The thing is though, I have to believe I deserve better. I wouldn’t survive this life otherwise. Maybe I’ll just keep getting disappointed. And maybe I will never get what I “deserve”. But it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I tried and that I remain hopeful and positive, keeping my faith in greater things to come and life in general.