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The first month of the year.

The first month of the year, I got my heart split into pieces and stomped over and over, all over again.
The first month of the year, I learned to put myself first and stick to my guns.
The first month of the year, I decided nothing could hurt me without my own permission.
The first month of the year, I felt happy for maybe the first time in a long time.
The first month of the year, I saw myself falling in love with a stranger.
The first month of the year, I found out I had to grow some balls and just own up to it, allowing myself vulnerability.

I’m glad to be where I am. And while this start to 2014 seems to be a slow climb out of an awful year prior, needless to say, I’m in a better place. Mentally, I know and am aware I’m on an upswing. I really enjoy it. I feel restless yet very peaceful, as though I know exactly what I’m doing (even when I don’t.)

Ex-lovers and new lovers made a lot of reappearances this past month. It feels like I have clarity now over what I need to do and what I know I deserve. It’s hard, to keep trusting, or trying, just to see what happens — only to get disappointed again, over and over again. But that’s the thing about it all. People are going to disappoint you, regardless of how hard they try to make you happy, and that’s okay as long as you do absolutely everything you can not to disappoint yourself. At the end of the day, all you have is yourself and frankly, that’s all you ever really need.

I’m not saying to cut ties off with everybody. God knows I’ve been trying to reconnect and foster renewed relationships and friendships. It’s great to have somebody that could hold you together when you’re breaking down. It’s great to have somebody that knows just when you need to snuggle. It’s great to have somebody that you can tell absolutely anything to and they won’t think anything of it. There are genuine people out there and just because I’m chronically disappointed, it’s not like I’m not going to try or give it a shot. Because really, what else could we do?

It’s going to hurt. You’re going to learn. It’s all part of the cycle of things, and in my case, added bonus of some ups and downs. I’ll feel everything and then nothing at all after a few days, and it could leave some mess with regards to the inbetweens. But the inbetweens definitely make for great stories. It’s a crazy hell of a ride and while I still might not be the most positive person, I’m a far cry from where I was this time last month.

No regrets, no time wasted. Cutting the bullshit. Living as passionately I could. Taking chances. Being better for me.

And yes, I am reveling in my upswing and I hope to write more entries like this.

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